Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Yo Bama

(Big Mouth Note: Things are about to get political up in here. Proceed with caution, dear reader.)

Recently Bill Clinton made a statement referring to Barrack Obama as "America's imaginary hip black friend" and added that the country didn't need a fairytale like that in the White House. Poor Bill. He's in danger of being replaced as the country's first black president, and he knows it.

Of course, Bubba is right. We don't need an imaginary hip black friend. We need a real one. And as far as I can tell, Obama is that man. I would go as far as saying that EVERYONE needs a hip black friend, and the good ol' US&A is at the top of that list. Let's face it: we're lame. Unpopular.
Unfriendly. And so uncool. We're like Ned Flanders' alcoholic twin brother. Who the hell wants to hang out with THAT guy? Well the hip black guy still does, and he's got a makeover for you that just might work.

Your hip black friend can improve so many facets of your life. First and foremost, he makes you look cooler to everyone who sees you with him. If the United States walked into a club with Barrack Obama, the rest of the world would think, "Damn, that must be a pretty cool country if that guy's hanging out with him." It's called street cred, and it's something that a ball-busting woman and a fiery old man can't get you.

Secondly, your hip black friend can get you into places that you couldn't go to before. There's a whole world (more fried plantains, papi?) out there that the US doesn't know about because we essentially don't know the handshake at the door. Nobody wants the loudmouth capitalist pig ruining their exotic evening, and now they don't have to worry. "You're with him? Si papi, es bueno."

Finally, and most importantly, your hip black friend can get you laid. This is the inevitable combination of points 1 and 2, as long as you've paid close attention and learned something while hanging out with your new homey. We're in the position we are as a country right now because nobody wants to get into bed with us. This in turn makes us cranky and angry to the point that we end up lashing out at people who have nothing to do with us and our lonely little existence. It's the motivation behind every bar fight (or war) you've ever seen. The only dudes throwing down are the ones not getting any lovin (or oil).

So wake up America. There's a world party going on and you haven't been invited. But there's someone knocking at your door with an invitation in his pocket, and it reads, "Obama + 1". Barrack, let's rock.