Monday, July 14, 2008

The Things That Hate Us: Airports!

(Oh, Snap... It's Another Fresh New Feature)

As evidenced by a past post in which I declared my twisted yet oh-so-logical (by my, ahem, "standards" anyway) love for our President of Vices Dick Cheney, I'm a bit of a contrarian when it comes to those special places, people and events that bring a smile to my scruffy face. To get very vague and unspecific, the general principles of grand institutions like chaos, bullshit, and anything in the absurd category get me pretty geeked. And if I get to be geeked while other people are doing the exact opposite, i.e. freaking out, melting down or just plain losing it, then I'm more juiced than Barry Bonds at a smoothie stand. So in the interest of saluting the strange proclivities that staple together your narrator's psyche AND serving up a spanking new entree for Bigmouth Enterprises, we proudly present the first edition of The Things That Hate Us (Or, The Strange Happiness Provided By Supposedly Detestable Entities). First on the list (and in list form, no less): Airports!

1. People Say: "There's so much traffic at the airport."
I Say: "I hope I get to see an altercation between an SUV driver and a traffic cop in a neon

2. People Say: "The security lines are so long."
I Say: "I can't wait for the speech about the proper techniques for removing your shoes,
followed by the poster that demonstrates that time bombs are not allowed."

3. People Say: "It's such a pain to remove your shoes."
I Say: "Have you ever seen a businessman undress and then re-dress in front of
100 strangers and a sassy black lady with rubber gloves on? Hilarious!"
Or: "Ooh, they're searching one of those elderly terrorists in a wheelchair again."

4. People Say: "My flight's always delayed."
I Say: "There's a bar!"

5. People Say: "There's never any seats at the gate."
I Say: "There's a bar!"

6. People Say: "Everything is so expensive."
I Say: "$15 dollars for a McGriddle? Hooray for capitalism!"

7. Guys Say: "What's with all the gay flight attendants now?"
I Say: "Why yes, I'd love some extra peanuts."

8. Girls Say: "Airplane food is gross."
I Say: "I'm pretty full... I just ate 13 bags of peanuts."

9. Kids Say: "My ears get plugged on the plane."
I Say: "I don't have to listen to the salesman next to me OR the pilot's garbled geography
lesson, cuz I can't hear a damn thing."

10. People Say: "It takes forever for my bags to show up."
I Say: "Dammit, why'd I eat all those peanuts! At least I've got time to buy a
$27 bottle of Immodium before my bags show up."

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Quote Jumble: Iowa Edition

(The Triumphant Return of a Now Possibly Recurring Feature)

Nothing causes a stir more than a weekend spent out of town at a wedding. Co-workers and friends cannot wait to pump you for information; uninvited family members clamor for every last matrimonial detail. Throw a little geographical curveball into the mix (like say, a recently flooded destination located in a very rural, very middle part of the country), and now you've got iPhone- style lines around your block eagerly awaiting your strange tales of cultural clashes and outsider observations. Well have no fear, ferocious Bigmouth enthusiasts, for the occasion of said wedding is also the second edition of our celebration of de-textualized source quotes. Who's ready to jumble?

"Has anyone seen my garment bag?" "It's bloody mary time." "He's never been on a flight that didn't end in a tropical destination." "I'd like another glass, just ice please." "How did you know it was Puddle of Mudd?" "Some guy's in there, with his shirt off." "Gimme a break, I've got a head full of cold medicine!" "Looks like I've got some catching up to do." "I don't see why not, I had four back there last night." "You got your corn on the left, beans on the right." "And that's pretty much when I lost the will to live." "He's probably grillin on my Weber right now." "We gotta go Old Style." "I don't like needles, so I got up into my fightin stance." "Well Woody's and the Lumberyard are back there by the airport." "I ordered a scotch and she gave me Jim Beam." "We don't have a taxi service." "Sir, you can't just sleep in the hallway." "Same clothes as last night... nice!" "Is this the entertainment we ordered?" "By the way, I wouldn't order the orange juice." "Which one of you has the filthy mouth?" "Is that the treehouse you used?" "Dude, we're in Iowa... pick a cornfield and go for it." "We couldn't be farther away if we'd been dropped from Sputnik." "I have six more in the back who've come here looking for wives." "I love Target!" "I think the wine is starting to take hold." "I don't think so... your mom's kind of a deal breaker." "Oh so YOU'RE the corrections officer." "I'd give it a 6.5." "I'm gonna need you to do that at least two more times." "If you're gonna be drinking back there, I'm probably not gonna stop ya." "Hey, cool it alright?" "The only word better than cousin is co-worker." "How dare you question Larry!" "Nothing's gonna happen! We're in Iowa!" "I'm pretty sure there's an ax-wielding psycho out there somewhere." "This is a lot more Children of the Corn than Field of Dreams." "He's gonna orbit her like a satellite." "Oh, so he raised her as his own?" "Thanks for setting the bar so low this trip." "This is the wrong gate."

And there you have it. All of the story, and yet none of the bug bites. A more compelling picture couldn't be painted, unless you slugged some Absinthe and took a knife to the ear. Thanks again, jumble.