Tuesday, June 14, 2011

All Quiet On the Witness Front

(A deconstruction of the dangers of deification)

Contrary to what Phil Collins will have you believe, dear reader, there is, in fact, nothing in the air tonight. Or at least none of the usual sports-talk-static normally zinging across the airwaves or fogging your flatscreen. Normally the end of the NBA Finals brings talk of the fierce terrain the recently crowned champions have cut through on their quest for finger jewelry, or the demons said team have displaced upon lifting the Larry O'Brien Trophy. No, this year all anyone within mouth-breathing distance of a microphone wants to discuss is The Loser. And while he's certainly big, he's also certainly not the biggest.

Now, it is not usually your narrator's style to blame the media for anything(that's Fox News' job), for we here at Bigmouth are dedicated to digging into the deeper truths of such matters. But in this case, the target of their dizzying derision is a monster of their own creation; a fabulous Frankenstein gone awry for whom they sharpen their picthforks and light their torches. Yes, the same people that gave a 17 year-old Ohio native a coronation before he even stepped foot on a professional basketball court are now calling for his head like an entire army of Prince Joffreys. A mere year after being named the MVP of the league, nobody, it would seem, is down with the King.

They'll tell you of course, that it's because of The Decision. Or The Party. Or big egos, lack of teamwork or other intangibles that get tossed around like J.J. Barea in a dryer (that dude could totally fit in one, and you know it). But the real reason is that he's become The Loser when they all claimed he was a winner. LeBron has committed the capital sin of making the media look foolish, and the pundits are making him pay.

That's why Scottie Pippen is a heathen for comparing The King to His Airness, even though every over-sized talking head on the evil four letter network has been doing the same thing for 8 years. That's why Clevelanders burning the jersey of a guy they've never met are noble savages instead of just, well, average ones. And that's why you'll be hearing more about Lebron than the upcoming lockout this off-season (which, come to think of it, may have been David Stern's deliciously evil plan all along).

So let's turn this into a teachable moment, shall we? If you'll direct your attention to the front of the class, I believe Professors D. and Flav have written today's valuable lesson on the board.