The Things That Hate Us: Airports!

(Oh, Snap... It's Another Fresh New Feature)

As evidenced by a past post in which I declared my twisted yet oh-so-logical (by my, ahem, "standards" anyway) love for our President of Vices Dick Cheney, I'm a bit of a contrarian when it comes to those special places, people and events that bring a smile to my scruffy face. To get very vague and unspecific, the general principles of grand institutions like chaos, bullshit, and anything in the absurd category get me pretty geeked. And if I get to be geeked while other people are doing the exact opposite, i.e. freaking out, melting down or just plain losing it, then I'm more juiced than Barry Bonds at a smoothie stand. So in the interest of saluting the strange proclivities that staple together your narrator's psyche AND serving up a spanking new entree for Bigmouth Enterprises, we proudly present the first edition of The Things That Hate Us (Or, The Strange Happiness Provided By Supposedly Detestable Entities). First on the list (and in list form, no less): Airports!

1. People Say: "There's so much traffic at the airport."
I Say: "I hope I get to see an altercation between an SUV driver and a traffic cop in a neon
vest."

2. People Say: "The security lines are so long."
I Say: "I can't wait for the speech about the proper techniques for removing your shoes,
followed by the poster that demonstrates that time bombs are not allowed."

3. People Say: "It's such a pain to remove your shoes."
I Say: "Have you ever seen a businessman undress and then re-dress in front of
100 strangers and a sassy black lady with rubber gloves on? Hilarious!"
Or: "Ooh, they're searching one of those elderly terrorists in a wheelchair again."

4. People Say: "My flight's always delayed."
I Say: "There's a bar!"

5. People Say: "There's never any seats at the gate."
I Say: "There's a bar!"

6. People Say: "Everything is so expensive."
I Say: "$15 dollars for a McGriddle? Hooray for capitalism!"

7. Guys Say: "What's with all the gay flight attendants now?"
I Say: "Why yes, I'd love some extra peanuts."

8. Girls Say: "Airplane food is gross."
I Say: "I'm pretty full... I just ate 13 bags of peanuts."

9. Kids Say: "My ears get plugged on the plane."
I Say: "I don't have to listen to the salesman next to me OR the pilot's garbled geography
lesson, cuz I can't hear a damn thing."

10. People Say: "It takes forever for my bags to show up."
I Say: "Dammit, why'd I eat all those peanuts! At least I've got time to buy a
$27 bottle of Immodium before my bags show up."