Celebcenter Part 2: Evening Edition

(A Casual Look Into a Personal Hell of the Sporting Variety)

"ESPN has just learned that Brett Favre's feelings, according to Brett Favre, are extremely hurt." "Yahoo Sports has now confirmed that not only are Brett Favre's feelings hurt, but that the hurting of those feelings has caused a slight rift in the space time continuum that may not be conveniently repaired anytime soon." "If you've got a conspiracy theory about Favre leaving the Packers, a poorly-worded and ill-thought out comment about how professional athletes are different from losers who call sports talk radio shows, or simply a homoerotic and unhealthy affinity for Brett Favre in general, we'll be taking your telephone calls for the next nine hours."

And so it went. On, and on, and further on... and interminably on for hours, days and weeks. On the radio. On Sportscenter. And the intra-nets. Nothing but minute-by-minute, feeling-by-feeling reports and speculation about whether or not a guy who played for 17 years and then retired was actually (COLLECTIVE AUDIBLE GASP!), possibly, going to come back (VISIBLE SHOCK AND PALPABLE AWE!) to play an 18th season. BUT WAIT! There's more. Since he retired his old team got a new quarterback (THE AUDACITY!) and then informed him that he may not be welcome back (WHAT HORROR!). Oh, and did we mention that this had happened at the end of every one of the last four seasons before (SURELY YOU JEST!)?

It is often said that the definition of mental illness is performing the same task over and over but expecting different results every time. If that theory is as true as it sounds, then trying to go about my business as a normal sports enthusiast seeking scores, highlights and analysis while this debacle hijacked all of the normal outlets for such information has been like watching your best friend turn into Hannibal Lector over the course of a week and some change. How do you go from grilling a steak on Monday to pairing brains and chianti by Sunday brunch? 

How is it news that a narcissistic gazillionaire athlete thought that the world still revolved around the whims and wishes of the brain inside his battered helmet? Who cares that a bunch of middle-aged and overweight Lost Boy fans still pathetically live their lives through the aforementioned player, who interestingly enough, doesn't give two shovel passes about them because, well, they're not him? And where the hell is the Dodger score?!?! The answer, my friends, was blowing in the multi-medium wind: Sports, however near and dear to our hearts they might be, have become just another limb in the eight-tentacled shock-topus we call entertainment.

Celebcenter

(A Bigmouth Special Report/ Scinitllating Sociological Discussion in Three Parts)

One would think that these last dog days of summer would be spent in a kind of carefree, heat- induced haze; Youtubing the rapids of boredom at work, lethargically lamping at a bro-tastic bbq, or simply stone cold chillin' like a polar bear in a popsicle factory. Oh, what a glorious existence that would be, were it indeed the truth.

Instead, I have spent the last two and half weeks in a constant state of perpetual paranoia and fear, incessantly stalked by a man I have never met, but who nevertheless haunts my dreams and frequents the very institutions I hold so dear.

This man has, in all reasonable respects of reality, absolutely no idea that the shadowy world I now call home is the result of his recent actions. And to be fair, it's really not his fault that I now cower under the eerie glare of my flatscreen and shiver at the sound of every audible radio frequency. But that man's existence is responsible for my now fractured one, and he and the minions that follow him must be stopped, at all costs.

The man's name? Brett Favre. His crime? Retiring prematurely and then coming back. The result of this seemingly pedestrian change of mind? An all out Great White Media Feeding Frenzy that has hijacked all sports news outlets in a kind of twisted convergence of football, celebrity, and the insanity of a collective consciousness that thinks noise is a synonym for news.
The impact on the perpetually ponderous persona that is your dear narrator? A catastrophe worthy of a three part post-a-palooza, with sociological scintillation to spare.

The Things That Hate Us: Airports!

(Oh, Snap... It's Another Fresh New Feature)

As evidenced by a past post in which I declared my twisted yet oh-so-logical (by my, ahem, "standards" anyway) love for our President of Vices Dick Cheney, I'm a bit of a contrarian when it comes to those special places, people and events that bring a smile to my scruffy face. To get very vague and unspecific, the general principles of grand institutions like chaos, bullshit, and anything in the absurd category get me pretty geeked. And if I get to be geeked while other people are doing the exact opposite, i.e. freaking out, melting down or just plain losing it, then I'm more juiced than Barry Bonds at a smoothie stand. So in the interest of saluting the strange proclivities that staple together your narrator's psyche AND serving up a spanking new entree for Bigmouth Enterprises, we proudly present the first edition of The Things That Hate Us (Or, The Strange Happiness Provided By Supposedly Detestable Entities). First on the list (and in list form, no less): Airports!

1. People Say: "There's so much traffic at the airport."
I Say: "I hope I get to see an altercation between an SUV driver and a traffic cop in a neon
vest."

2. People Say: "The security lines are so long."
I Say: "I can't wait for the speech about the proper techniques for removing your shoes,
followed by the poster that demonstrates that time bombs are not allowed."

3. People Say: "It's such a pain to remove your shoes."
I Say: "Have you ever seen a businessman undress and then re-dress in front of
100 strangers and a sassy black lady with rubber gloves on? Hilarious!"
Or: "Ooh, they're searching one of those elderly terrorists in a wheelchair again."

4. People Say: "My flight's always delayed."
I Say: "There's a bar!"

5. People Say: "There's never any seats at the gate."
I Say: "There's a bar!"

6. People Say: "Everything is so expensive."
I Say: "$15 dollars for a McGriddle? Hooray for capitalism!"

7. Guys Say: "What's with all the gay flight attendants now?"
I Say: "Why yes, I'd love some extra peanuts."

8. Girls Say: "Airplane food is gross."
I Say: "I'm pretty full... I just ate 13 bags of peanuts."

9. Kids Say: "My ears get plugged on the plane."
I Say: "I don't have to listen to the salesman next to me OR the pilot's garbled geography
lesson, cuz I can't hear a damn thing."

10. People Say: "It takes forever for my bags to show up."
I Say: "Dammit, why'd I eat all those peanuts! At least I've got time to buy a
$27 bottle of Immodium before my bags show up."

The Quote Jumble: Iowa Edition

(The Triumphant Return of a Now Possibly Recurring Feature)

Nothing causes a stir more than a weekend spent out of town at a wedding. Co-workers and friends cannot wait to pump you for information; uninvited family members clamor for every last matrimonial detail. Throw a little geographical curveball into the mix (like say, a recently flooded destination located in a very rural, very middle part of the country), and now you've got iPhone- style lines around your block eagerly awaiting your strange tales of cultural clashes and outsider observations. Well have no fear, ferocious Bigmouth enthusiasts, for the occasion of said wedding is also the second edition of our celebration of de-textualized source quotes. Who's ready to jumble?

"Has anyone seen my garment bag?" "It's bloody mary time." "He's never been on a flight that didn't end in a tropical destination." "I'd like another glass, just ice please." "How did you know it was Puddle of Mudd?" "Some guy's in there, with his shirt off." "Gimme a break, I've got a head full of cold medicine!" "Looks like I've got some catching up to do." "I don't see why not, I had four back there last night." "You got your corn on the left, beans on the right." "And that's pretty much when I lost the will to live." "He's probably grillin on my Weber right now." "We gotta go Old Style." "I don't like needles, so I got up into my fightin stance." "Well Woody's and the Lumberyard are back there by the airport." "I ordered a scotch and she gave me Jim Beam." "We don't have a taxi service." "Sir, you can't just sleep in the hallway." "Same clothes as last night... nice!" "Is this the entertainment we ordered?" "By the way, I wouldn't order the orange juice." "Which one of you has the filthy mouth?" "Is that the treehouse you used?" "Dude, we're in Iowa... pick a cornfield and go for it." "We couldn't be farther away if we'd been dropped from Sputnik." "I have six more in the back who've come here looking for wives." "I love Target!" "I think the wine is starting to take hold." "I don't think so... your mom's kind of a deal breaker." "Oh so YOU'RE the corrections officer." "I'd give it a 6.5." "I'm gonna need you to do that at least two more times." "If you're gonna be drinking back there, I'm probably not gonna stop ya." "Hey, cool it alright?" "The only word better than cousin is co-worker." "How dare you question Larry!" "Nothing's gonna happen! We're in Iowa!" "I'm pretty sure there's an ax-wielding psycho out there somewhere." "This is a lot more Children of the Corn than Field of Dreams." "He's gonna orbit her like a satellite." "Oh, so he raised her as his own?" "Thanks for setting the bar so low this trip." "This is the wrong gate."

And there you have it. All of the story, and yet none of the bug bites. A more compelling picture couldn't be painted, unless you slugged some Absinthe and took a knife to the ear. Thanks again, jumble.

Blockbusted

If you're keeping score at home ( and you seem like the type, and that's meant in the best possible/ positive/ uplifting / insert other attempts at flattery way, honest!) you know it's hotter than a bonfire in Uganda, which probably has you sweating like Patrick Ewing in a parka. Couple that little bit of trivial obvious-ness with the fact that there's nothing remotely watchable on tv in the way of sports (wake me up for the playoffs, baseball), celebridiculous reality shows ( bring back Hulk Hogan Knows the Flavor of Brett Michaels' New York Midget Love, VH1) or addictively tedious dramas (where's my methodone-flavored replacement for Lost, ABC? I'm gettin all scratchy and shaky over here!) and you'll probably come to this cul-de-sac of a revelation: It's Summer!

And summer means movies. Lots of movies. Lots of really big, loud, obnoxious... people, complaining about movies. Yes, if there's a movie opening on Friday then there's somebody bitching about it on Monday. Unless of course you read the reviews, in which case someone is bitching first thing on Friday morning. And all because these cinematic simpletons can't decipher a kids movie from an adult-oriented gorefest.

That's right, it'll be your own damn fault and no one else's if most of the flicks you flee to aren't up to snuff. You're not that important; no studio has planned their entire slate of money-makers around your tedious tastes. These big-ass blockbusters are directed at specific age groups and audiences, and that can't possibly please the royal we even half the time. So get wise and make smarter decisions (like milk duds over ju ju bees, for starters). Take a deep popcorn- scented breath and consider your true self. Are you a 15 year-old boy? No? Then what are you doing attending an Adam Sandler/Mike Meyers double-header? Does your significant other posses the same genitalia as you? Didn't think so. So why did you drag them to that Jerry Bruckheimer blow-em up or that Sandra Bullock weeper? 

If you enjoy a fart joke that runs for and hour and half straight, then by all means, check out Eddie Murphy playing seventeen different characters in one fat suit. If not, don't go. Or go, and do us all the favor of keeping your apple-pie hole shut afterwards. The Dodger game is on, and I'm trying to take a nap in front of my industrial warehouse- sized fan.

Let's Commence!

It's graduation season, and if you aren't scheduled to go to any, you better fix that, and fast. Look up an obscure relative aged 18 or 22, tag along to your roomate's sister's hairdresser's kid's coronation, or just drive around town until you find a good one to crash (easy to spot hallmarks are generally balloons, sundresses, and mothers organizing group photos, so keep your eyes peeled). Because while disguised as a culmination of a specific phase of the education process, and considered to be a woefully boring familial springtime duty, it is, in actuality, one of the greatest people-watching adventures you could ever hope to embark upon.

Remember when you had an assignment in school, and you'd think, "Man, I'd pay good money to get out of this right now", because paying money seemed way easier than doing schoolwork? Well scratch that one, kemosabe, because there is no more unhinged and excitedly deranged creature present during the matriculation ceremony than a parent recently freed from the bonds of tuition. They scream. They yell. They bring noisemakers they were recently overcharged for at Party City. If they're aware that their little Einsteins are moving back home directly after the keynote address, they ain't showing it; their behavior would fit snugly into a WWF cage-match crowd or some kind of Guiness-fueled soccer riot. Apparently going to school is a lot easier than paying for school, and boy does it show.

Add the sheer volume of people present at such an event with this mixture of puffed up pride and financial freedom, and you've got a veritable cavalcade of adults that have essentially lost any sense of rationale or self-control whatsoever. Mothers strain with binoculars to locate their grown bundles of joy, who all happened to be dressed alike. Fathers aim telephoto lenses into the sea of caps and gowns like Ahab looking for Moby Dick. And entire extended families gawk at their own relatives as if a circus clown had just unleashed them into a cage of feral bengal tigers with only a squirtgun for protection.

It's chaotic. It's insane. It's entertainment not seen since the days of the Roman Colisseum. So take a long hard look at that invitation on the refrigerator, and rejoice! Then wait an hour or two til' the graduation party, and watch the parents faces closely, when the kid announces they're going to medical school.

Jersey Boys Part 4: The Mamba's Revenge

(An Unexpectedly Happy Ending to Our Somewhat- Awaited Finale)

So you've all been waiting patiently like the good 'lil Bigmouth fanatics that you are, but fanatics get restless, as is their way. Where is the conclusion of this engaging opus on the state of Laker Fan-dom? What fate has befallen our courageous author on his quest to expose the very intricacies of this superfluous social quagmire?

Well truth be told,  your narrator has been doing what he's supposed to as a holier-than-those-guys Laker fan: watching the playoffs. It's hard to write when you're screaming at a flat screen; words fail as you monosyllabically high five your co-workers the following day in the elevator. And if honesty is your game, then try this jersey on for size: The original plan for this final piece was to blame Kobe Bryant for the bandwagon, the bro-sephs and the whole backwards affair.

But it can't be done. He won the MVP. He thanked his teammates ( whom he refers to as "The Bench Mob", which is a great nickname) in his speech after accepting that award. He jumped over a speeding Mazeratti in one YouTube video, and a pool full of dangerous snakes in another. He's gotten his own nickname, "The Black Mamba", because he's so dangerous in the fourth quarter. 

So what once seemed like such an easy equation (selfishly fickle superstar+fairweather fans= what the hell we've been blabbing about for four whole posts) now seems like a pretty big glass of Haterade. You win, Mamba. Now bring on the Celtics so we can make fun of those drunken chowderheads from Massachusetts.