I Love Dick

It is safe to say, dear reader, that I am a rather complicated man. One would only have to peruse the menagerie of topics and obsessions contained within these digital pages to figure that out. But the human dichotomy that is your narrator never gets weirder than this: Of all the lovable rogues in this strange and wondrous world of ours, none has a softer spot in my heart than the modern Darth Vader himself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am in love with Dick Cheney.

It sounds insane, I know. How could he, you ask yourself, and you would have every right. How could I indeed. Me, a Bush-hating, hemorrhaging-heart liberal whose brain has nearly blown a gasket after the last eight years of lies, war, torture, wire-tapping and other imperial nonsense of which Dick is the primary architect. But hey, I'm a lover, not a fighter, and seeing as how I was previously obsessed with Saddam Hussein ( and Genghis Khan before that), it's pretty clear that I've got a thing for the bad boys.

Because if you play helpful co-dependant to Dick's abusive tyrant, he comes out looking like a badass. Let's review. He's had four heart attacks and is still alive. He talks in a kind of drunken Donald Duck voice where the first syllables of any answer he gives go "whah, whah whaaaaah". He was evacuated before the president on 9/11. The place to which they evacuated him is some kind of secret bunker that I'm fairly sure has a stripper pole and a bevy of flat screen tv's that show old John Wayne movies on a continuous loop. When told recently that 85% of the country currently opposed the war, his answer was, "So?" And finally, HE SHOT A GUY IN THE FACE, and THE GUY APOLOGIZED for HIS FACE being in the way of CHENEY'S GUN. The guy makes Chuck Liddell look like a Backstreet Boy. He should change his name to Dick Dreamy. Seriously.

So as happy as I am that Governor Bush and his cronies will be off drinking near-beer and snapping towels at each other far and away from our country's seat of power, I'm honestly gonna miss old Dick. Because the villain is always cooler than the hero, and Cheney is as skull-numbingly stone cold eveeeeeeel as we'll ever get in the White House. I guess I'll have to find a rebound dictator to help me get over it. Anybody have Kim Jong Il's number?