Hazy memories and partially reconstructed events are the usual toll when one embarks on a celebration of a compadre's last remaining days of bachelorhood. Throw in the rowdiest city in the greater U.S., a few Hurricanes and Hand Grenades, and the kind of humidity that would melt a vodka cellar in the frozen tundra, and things get stickier than an oil-covered pelican. Which is why, dear internet friends, this situation calls for the least reliable form of raconteurism around: anonymous source quotes removed from any kind of context whatsoever. It's time for our spiciest Jumble-iya yet, served up Nawlins style.
"Ya'll seen any vampires yet?" "No, you're already there, remember?" "Guys, they're strippers... not people." "It's a casino. Just put it down and walk away." "Was this town built for me? Or was I built for this town?" "You want another water for your mangina?" "That's the whitest guy I've ever seen." "I used to date a girl that went out with Landon Donovan." "Here's the good news: We're not girls, so we don't have to stay together." "Give 'em some beads! It's a self esteem booster!" "Baby girl wants ice, she gets ice." "Make a hole and make it wide!" "He has a bow tie. I trust him." "Someone snuck in the room last night and crapped in my pants." "And that's the first time he tried to kill me." "Your friend is going to fall off this balcony if you don't watch him." "Tomorrow we're goin' on a swamp tour." "Oh crap, I gotta take my prozac." "I went to LSU, he went to Mississippi State. My parents called it an interracial marriage." "Please just keep calling us ya'll." "I've got a belt!" "Put some cabbage on that salad." "It was nice of Tyler Hansborough to stop by." "All! Night! Long!" "I will dance in your blood." "Somebody better hit him so it looks like an accident." "That wasn't a real ring. That was a decoy." "You're cute... want a valium?" "She's singing into her shoe." "And that's why we have guard rails folks." "It's 3 for 1, so you want 9?" "So are you really a real doctor?" " I assumed you had your own plane." "It's about the size of a marks-a-lot."Can't you just taste the catfish? Oh Jumble, you're such a tease.
2 comments:
Good shit Jones... makes me want to go back there. Some of those quotes had me laughing out loud
Wow. That was unreal. Marks-a-Lot was a good end. Too much fun reading them, can't imagine trying to survive being there.
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