The Dilemma

"I try not to call a guy a douchebag anymore, you know, at least until I get to know him."

- Brad Thorne, professional man of leisure

We've all been there. You're sitting at the bar with your buddy, having a drink, and in walks a beautiful girl, followed by some dude. And that's all he is; just some dude. He could be a rocket scientist or an insurance salesman. A trust-fund baby or a 9 to 5er. And yet, whatever redemptive qualities this man possesses, whatever positive effects he may currently have on society, his crime is clear: He is some dude with a hot girl, and that makes him a douchebag. You can hear the words flying out of your mouth as soon as you spot him, can't you? The mocking tones of your jealousy, formed like concrete and steadfast in their reliability. "What a DOUCHEbag!" you will say, emphasizing the first word with sincerity to gain the nodding approval of your drinking buddy. And you will mean it, every last syllable of it, but you won't know why.

And so the dilemma, dear friends, rears its ugly head once again. Why such a rush to judgment? Where has our solidarity with our fellow man gone? Is there really no greater crime, no more offensive blight on humanity, than enjoying the attention of an attractive female? Or better still, is it so repulsive to actively pursue such a woman in hopes of gaining her company?

The answer  lies in another simple but unsightly truth: The man is a douchebag not because he is with a fine specimen of the opposite sex, but because he is someone you don't know who is enjoying the company of said female. Only ourselves and our circle of friends are worthy of accompanying women of such high caliber, and everyone else be damned. 

But choose your words carefully, fella. There's actual douchebags with hot girls roaming around your fair city as we speak, and you're wasting all of your venom on some average joe who may very well deserve that fox on his arm. Save the verbal firepower for Mr. Muscle Beach with the faux hawk, or the dorm-room hero banging out the entire Dave Matthews catalog on his six string. The guy with the barb-wire tattoo and indecipherable chinese characters on his tight t-shirt? DOUCHEBAG. The normal dude with the hottest girl in the bar? LEGEND.