My Teef Hurt

As I was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday, having my gums scraped by a metal fish hook, I began to wonder why technology has completely abandoned this profession. There's people walking around with fully replicated synthetic limbs, sheep are being cloned, and lasers are everywhere but Dr. Evil's shark tank. Yet the dentist's office looks like some kind of medieval executioner's lair where you'll be drawn and quartered. What gives? Are dentists not medical professionals? Do they not receive medical training? I sumbit that they are, and they do, so bring the 'ol tool kit out of the dark ages and start demanding updates already. An educated guess would put the development of all these instruments of pain somewhere around the same time period that doctors were employing leeches to do some of their most important work. Call me crazy, but it doesn't exactly set me at ease when I sit down in a chair, look to my left, and see one of the set pieces from Hostel, only to be followed by the phrase, "Open wide."

And the tools aren't the only thing outdated. Even the toothpaste they use is some strange amalgamation of sidewalk chalk and sweet tarts. Is it too much to ask to get some Crest in the house? Those 4 out of 5 dentists recommending all these toothpastes might wanna get the word out a little better and start dishing some samples to their brethren, because I feel like I've just had my gums rubbed with tangy sand.