Tuesday, January 29, 2008
It isn't that I dislike the Super Bowl. It's just that, well, I could care less. Because let's be honest, it's not about any of the aforementioned things above that I love. It is in fact, about nothing at all, and not in the amusing Seinfeldian way, either. It has nothing to do with football (the game is always a terrible blowout), nothing to do with entertainment ( it went from pop crap at halftime to geezer crap at halftime in the flash of a nipple), and nothing to do with funny commercials (Jessica Simpson likes Pizza Hut? That's hilarious!). It is the biggest collection of nothing, nobody's and never-should-haves on the planet, and the result is that the entire planet tunes in.
I understand that we're the biggest, richest country in the world, and that we can throw a party whenever we want. I'm well aware that football is our nation's most popular sport. And I'm all for having as many national holidays as we can muster (Saved by the Bell Appreciation Day? Anyone?). But seeing Howie Long interviewing Nick Lachey about his favorite Doritos ad while Willie Nelson soundchecks in the background for his duet with Hannah Montana as part of American Idol's Tribute to Ol' Dirty Bastard isn't super at all... it's just stupid.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
And the tools aren't the only thing outdated. Even the toothpaste they use is some strange amalgamation of sidewalk chalk and sweet tarts. Is it too much to ask to get some Crest in the house? Those 4 out of 5 dentists recommending all these toothpastes might wanna get the word out a little better and start dishing some samples to their brethren, because I feel like I've just had my gums rubbed with tangy sand.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Please stop being attracted to me. Seriously. I know I’m nice and fairly easy to talk to, but it’s starting to become bothersome. I realize I’m handsome in a realistic, highly attainable sort of way, but now it’s downright annoying. I like being able to pick up my phone at will without screening the call. I enjoy reading email from people whom I’ve willingly given my address. Sorry, but if I’ve denied a friend request on one social networking site, I’m probably going to respond the same when you try it from five other ones. It’s not like I’ll have a lapse in judgment all of a sudden or conveniently forget that you’re insane. Inconsistency like that just isn’t my thing. Which means it probably won’t work out between us, because I’d be reminding you to take your meds all the time, and you’d want to keep your doses erratic, like you’ve always done. Hey, I get it. I have no right to try and change you. You’re beautiful just the way you are, and I’m sure you’ll find someone co-dependant very soon.
Rule #1: No More "Cheesy Christmas Sweater Parties"
You've got 11 months to let this one sink in, so don't get all outraged if you threw one this year. Just don't do it ever again. I got invited to 5 of these things this past holiday season, including one that was a work party. I'm sorry, but when the theme hits the office extravaganza, it's no longer clever or ironic. Pick a new theme. ( Special exemption goes to Robin, Ian and Kelly's. Theirs is awesome.)
Rule #2: No More "Getting Crunk"
Again, no longer clever or ironic. I understand that there's a funny 'lil rapper guy, and he yells a lot, and he's got a pimp chalice, and he was on Dave Chappelle's show blah bah blah. It doesn't mean you need to respond to every Evite in your inbox by claiming how "crunk" you're gonna get (see following rule). Hearing white people say it is about as cool as a cold sore. Cut it out.
Rule #3: No More Evites
Yes, it's an email invitation. No, it's not neccesary. I struggled with this one myself because I actually enjoy writing those things ( and I'm damn good at it), but let's face it: they're pointless. Just send a regular email, give the neccesary information, and be done with it. Either you get a hundred people who respond and then don't show up, or you get no responses and a hundred people at the door. The unfortunate truth is that we all like to look at those things everyday until the party because we want to gauge our own popularity. Well guess what... if no one shows up, then you're not that popular. Wasn't that easy?
Rule #4: No More "Cougars"
Again, I struggled mightily with this rule, for my own personal history with predatory older women is quite storied. Yet still I shout,"Enough!" There are two major problems with this whole subject. First of all, the word has become so ubiquitous that everyone from "Entertainment Tonight" reporters to Oprah to my own mother is dropping it into their conversations. Here's a hint: Anything that Ryan Seacrest's glue-filled head can read off a teleprompter is lamer than a Creed reunion tour. Secondly, since when is desperation empowering? A real "cougar" is a lonely older woman who needs the affection of a younger man to feel younger or prettier or well, anything at all. Demi Moore gets enough liposuction to start a soap factory and all of a sudden she's a figure of female pride and strength? REALLY?